I was being sarcastic you twit...

Let me tell you about my day...
I headed out the door on my way to do a few hours of work over at this lady's house.  
As soon as I pull out of my driveway area I realize I left my phone inside.  Now, at this
point on my street it's one lane, there's no room to turn, no side nook or driveway to turn around in, sure cars can go both directions here, but you just have to wait in one of the scarcely available side nooks or driveways until they pass.  The street isn't that busy at this time of the morning so I figure what the heck, I only have to go a few feet back before I can make it to a neighbor's driveway and turn around.  As I'm backing up a car comes up behind me.  Seeing that I was backing up to the driveway he stops and waits (for all of 5 seconds.)  I pull into the driveway like planned then stop so that he can pass (because now he's blocking the way I need to go.)  I kid you not, he stopped his car directly in front of mine, rolled down his window and proceeded to tell me off in French for backing up on the street.  

Idiot gone, phone now obtained, head to this lady's office.  It's generally just me and her in there sitting at one big desk facing each other as we work.  A French speaking collegue of hers comes in, we're introduced, say our hi's in my broken French and her broken English.  Now, understand, I can't speak alot of French but I can damn well understand my fair share - or enough that I get the gist of the conversation.  The woman I'm working with proceeds to tell her collegue (in French) the problem with strangers moving here and not speaking a word of the language.  Turns out, when French people want to talk about Americans in French in front of us they call us "etrangers" (strangers).  Once done with the rest of their conversation about me they both gave me that shy "we were totally just talking about you and hope you didn't comprehend any of it" look.  Nice.  The thing is, I really don't think the lady I was working with meant to be rude in doing this, she wanted me to work with her specifically because I was American and that would help her communicate to most of her customers.  So I'll forgive her for that - hell, I talk all the time about how I hate French people but actually am ok with a few of them (what, a few anyway).

Done with work, off to meet a few people for a birthday lunch.  There's the young Slovokian girl, another American lady, and the birthday boy - American who has lived in France 8 yrs who turns 70.  Picnic on the beach it is - no problem.  Birthday boy can hardly walk so I go ahead with him to stake out our spot on the beach while the other two finish picking up the roast chicken and sides (after he stops to pee in the parking lot like all good French people do.)  They join us a few minutes later and fun ensues.

Here's just some fun little conversation snippits and things that happened from this lunch:
Me - you know, I've lived here a year and I don't think there was a time last summer that I just dove in to the Medeterranian...
Bday Boy - well you can't really dive in from the beach here
Me - (after a 10 sec pause) yeah, I guess I mean jumped in, got in the water, you know...
******

Here's our view on the beach, beautiful, until the man who happened to be wearing a bikini and carrying what looked like the equivilent of 2 Dunlap tires on his belly walked around the corner. (for those not clear, a dunlap tire on a man is his fat roll)
******
The other ladies arrive, plates are passed out, we have a bag of french fries, a roast chicken that's been cut up for us, one plastic container of broccoli casserole, one with roasted zucchini.  There are bowls passed out to put the veggies in.  The other American lady looks at the bowl and says something (with a completely turned up nose and disgusted look on her face) about the bowls being dirty - they just had a little bit of dust on then from lack of use in the cabinet.  Mind you, she's sitting in sand, proceeds to get all her fingers messy with how she ate the chicken, all the food is sitting in its container on the sand, sand is going in her canned soda...why, exactly is she so worried about a dirty bowl?
******
Turns out she's also a total control freak when it comes to serving utensils.  She passed me and the other girl each a container of veggies and a fork, both of us assumed the fork was for us and in the mean time (before sticking it in our mouth) we could get scoop out some veggies.  NO. The aforementioned fork was the serving utensil for the veggy container and should have been passed around with it.  She may have mentioned something about that while things were being passed out, but to me it sounded like "here's a fork, here's the veggies."  When she realized I stuck the fork in my mouth after getting veggies she grilled me..."didn't I say it went with the veggies, I thought I made that perfectly clear."  Sure, she said it with a smile on her face, but it's the same smile as you'd see on some psycho fudge making county fair champion soccer mom who only lives to cook and make fudge when you tell her you dont' really like the fudge.  Kinda like a kitten coming at you with the intent to kill.  In the 2 hrs we were there she brought up my fork mistake (and repeated those same lines) 4 times.  I'm sure you're wondering, and yes, there was indeed a fork for everyone...I am still not sure why the fork I stuck in my mouth was any different that the fork she intended me to eat with - both white plastic.
******
As the conversation gets to one of those quiet moments, this lady decides to press me on details of my recent dog's death.  Weeks earlier when she asked me about it I told her I really wasn't comfortable talking about it in a lot of detail.  Didn't seem to matter now, she wanted to know and seems to be one of those people (who can't read others) and will continue to ask until you tell her.  So as gently as my tear ducts would allow me I told her what the vet said was wrong with him.  Then I joke, and say "in my professional medical opinion I think this is what it was..."  She says, "really, I didn't know you went to med school"  Um, I didn't, I was just being sarcastic...

Let me give you a little background on this lady - we've seen/talked to each other several times a week for the last 6 months.  She's really a nice person, and not nearly as "out to get me" this day as it might sound like.  She's just one of those peppy, energetic, happy people who thinks everything is happy.  Seeing the fork thing was a bit disturbing, but dog and medical opinion part is just her being nieve, just like how a 10 yr old would press you for questions or say things.

Oh, this always cracks me up to watch - she's also one of those people who will see something interesting, say...a kid playing or a guy on a gurney about to be put into the ambulance sitting next to him...and she'll get to where she's about 3 feet from the person and just stare and watch what they're doing.  TOTAL rubbernecker - I didn't realize people could do that when not in a car.  I just kept walking when she was staring at the guy on the gurney.  (So she raised her voice so I could hear her as she looked at him and tried to guess what had happened.)

Honest to god she really is nice, just acts a little like an undisciplined 10 yr old sometimes with the uncensored comments and nievity.

So, done with the pic nic, on the way home.  I get to a point where two roads, coming together merge.  I pause for a second to allow the huge 18-wheeler to turn the corner - the French guy in the car behind me honks at me and proceeds to yell and make hand movements to me.  For the love of god, I know I've just inconvenienced you by stopping, but I thought it might be in my best interest to let the big truck go first.  I know, silly me.  I'll be out of your stinky ass, cheese eating, pissing everywhere, French way soon so you can go smoke and eat tripe and duck liver.